A new law school year has started. Last Monday was my last first day of school. My last first day of college was filled with much sadness and dread; this last first day was filled with what I can only characterize as restrained jubilation. If I could have hired a mariachi band to follow me around all day and try to put my happiness into music, I would have. But I'm a law student, and Sallie Mae doesn't really offer "mariachi-shadowing" loans.
A lot of things have changed. I got a dog. We get along pretty well, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't recognize me as the dominant party in this cohabitation. I tell her, "Just because I feed you, give you water, take you out when you need to go, pick up your bowel movements off the ground, throw the ball when you bring it to me, and let you sleep in my bed doesn't mean you control me." I'm trying to teach her how to put on her harness and leash, grab the apartment keys and a plastic bag, and take herself outside. It's a slow process. The whole "lack of opposable thumbs" thing is really working against us. And the fact that she tries to go Shawshank every chance she gets.
As a 3L, I've had a lot of time to reflect on this whole law school deal. And what I've ascertained is that you are not attending a 3-year institution. You are attending a three one-year programs that just happen to occur in the same building. The years of law school are so different that it's incredible that they're completed in the same structure. In true "me" style, I have come up with the three themes of law school, complete with movie comparisons.
1L Year
Theme: Survival
Movie: Cast Away
You have one mission and one mission alone your 1L year: survive. Time becomes meaningless, meals become optional, and sleep becomes a luxury. If you can make it from August to May without (a) going insane, or (b) dropping out (which there is absolutely no shame in), then congratulations. You've just committed yourself to two more years of this wonderful journey we call law school.
One way to get through 1L year: find something that keeps you sane. Build a raft. Pull out your own tooth. Choose one unopened box from your apartment and don't open it. Put a bloody handprint on a sports ball and talk to it. I'm not here to judge.
2L Year
Theme: Improvement
Movie: The Karate Kid
Your 2L year is all about getting involved, raising your GPA, and building your résumé. This is the critical year. You've come this far that you can't justify quitting, but you've still got so far to go. You become the middle child of the law school, sometimes an afterthought. School becomes your number one priority.
One way to get through 2L year: Work on self-improvement. Walk around humming "You're the Best" and trying to sweep the legs of other law students. Refer to everyone as "sensei." Wear patterned headbands. Wax a bunch of cars in the hope that the skills learned will come in handy when you type an essay exam for three hours.
3L Year
Theme: Disaster Preparation
Movie: Caddyshack
Your 3L year is the year that involves the least concern with school. Don't get me wrong, I'm still worried about grades and doing well, but school has definitely fallen out of the top spot on my priorities list. Priority #1: Find a job. Priority #2: Pass the bar so that you may keep the job you found. Priority #3: Pick out a nice spot under a bridge in the event you wind up homeless and jobless. Priority #4: Make sure Sallie Mae has an imaginary forwarding address. Priority #5: School. 3Ls have much bigger things on their minds, most of which lie outside the walls of the law school.
One way to get through 3L year: Raise the price of the Coke machines in the law school. Blare "Any Way You Want It" and dance through the hallways. Keep telling everyone, "I gotta get a job" in a Danny Noonan-esque voice. For the 3Ls that have jobs, remind the jobless that the world needs ditch diggers too. As the year progresses, stick your lip out more and more prominently when you speak. If you want to end the year with something that involves a lot of dynamite and a small woodland creature, go ahead. But a word of advice: Your dynamite/rodent finale shouldn't involve the school in any way. At least not until you have your diploma.
Whatever happens, at least I'll get a law degree. So I got that going for me.
Which is nice.
